I Looked OK on the Outside,
But God Saw My Heart
The Lord had been working on me little by little for quite some time; small things, like what would I do after I graduated, what should I become, where should I go? When I would ask my mom she would say, “Pray about it.” But every time I prayed, there seemed to be a small voice saying, “the Lord will not give you direction for your future if you are not saved.” I pushed that voice away because at the time it was just easier to ignore it, but I still had doubts.
“My pride made me not want to say anything to anyone, even my parents, so this was very hard for me.”In October of 2002, my church was planning to have a week of revival meetings. The Thursday before revival services started, I had a car accident. When my dad came to picked me up after the accident, he said some things that made me start to seriously think about my salvation and whether I was truly saved. I had doubts about my salvation before the accident, and now I started to think about what would have happened had I died in that accident. I found a Bible study book that was my dad’s and started to read it. I saw from the Bible study that I was a sinner, but everyone is a sinner . . . so what!
“I looked ok on the outside, so my sin couldn’t be that bad.”
On the first night of the revival meeting, the evangelist preached a message about humility. That night, the Lord got ahold of my heart, and I prayed that He would give me the humility to deal with the issue of my salvation. I thought because I looked good on the outside, talked right, dressed right, and acted right, that everyone would think I was a Christian. That night when we got home, I talked with my mom and dad and told them that I didn’t think I was saved. My pride made me not want to say anything to anyone, even my parents, so this was very hard for me.
I decided to take Monday off from work, stay at home, read my Bible, and ask the Lord to show me whether or not I was truly saved. I called my boss, who at the time was my pastor’s wife, and made up a reason for why I needed off. I didn’t tell her the REAL reason for why I wanted off, my pride was once again in control.
“I still didn’t want ANYONE to think that I might be struggling with my salvation.”
I spent Monday at home studying my Bible, listening to preaching messages and reading the Bible study book. By the end of the day, I was absolutely sure that I was lost. As I talked to my mom, she said, “Picture yourself before the Judgment Throne, when God calls all of the saved to Him, and you are left standing there alone. What will you say?” I told her I would say, “But what about me? I say the right things, do the right things and act the right way.” I was a good person. I looked OK on the outside, and I don’t see myself as that bad of a sinner.
I called off work again on Tuesday morning, got up and just started to search my Bible. I read in Job 42 where Job told God that he abhorred himself. I certainly didn’t abhor myself, and why should I? I had never murdered anyone, committed adultery or any really bad sin like that. I started to read a passage about how God saw my sin in Romans chapter one. The first part of the chapter didn’t seem to strike me, but then I got down to the second half, and it was like God was showing me how He really saw me…covetous, deceitful, envious, a liar, proud—all of these things and more.
“Suddenly, I saw that all my excuses, my words, my actions, the clothing I wore and the overall ‘image’ I presented to others was NOTHING to God.”
I couldn’t seem to stop reading, and Romans chapter two, verse one says, “Therefore thou art inexcusable, O man.” It was like God was saying, “Sarah, none of your excuses will work,” and I knew it. Verse three says, “And thinkest thou this, O man, that judgest them which do such things, and doest the same, that thou shalt escape the judgment of God?” I knew that I judged other people by what they did, what they wore and what they said, but I never saw any of those things in myself. God opened my eyes, and I saw this was ME!
At that moment, I truly saw myself as NOTHING before God. I knew that I had nothing to give Him. I saw my horrible wickedness, and I realized that there was nothing good in me! I cried out and told God that I had nothing to give him and that only HE could save me. I asked Him to forgive me of my sin and to save me. I prayed, based on the Word of God, having the faith that He would save me. I truly believed that God saved me that day!