The Greatest Battle: Head vs. Heart
My Name is Katie Spangenberg, and This is My Story
War was raging. A conflict was going on inside of me. My head was telling me one thing, and my heart another. Which one should I listen to? I was facing the greatest battle any human being will ever face–the battle of my head vs. my heart. How did this conflict begin, and how did it end? Let me share with you my story...
I had the privilege of being born into a Christian home. I am thankful for parents who desired to teach me the Word of God, take me to church faithfully, homeschool my eight siblings and I, and live by the principles found in the Bible. However, being religious was not going to get me into Heaven. It was the decision that I made concerning Jesus Christ on January 22, 2000, that determined where I would spend eternity.
It was through my parents desire to serve God that He led my family to the Lehigh Valley Baptist Church in1996. Shortly thereafter, my father, and three older siblings, through the preaching and teaching of God’s Word, came to know Jesus Christ as their Saviour, and were truly born again. This was a shock to me–I thought they were okay, just as I thought I was. I had prayed a prayer when I was ten, wasn’t that enough?
In January of 2000, at the age of 13, I attended my church’s teen Winter Retreat. I went to camp with the expectation of having a good time, thinking very little about spiritual things. I did pray, and ask the Lord to work in my life, but I didn’t really expect too much. Little did I know how God would answer my prayer.
On the Friday night of the camp, the preacher for the weekend preached a sermon on two tickets to Heaven. Now, there’s only ONE ticket to Heaven, and that is through the blood of Jesus that He shed on the cross of Calvary for our sins. The other “ticket” is Good Works, which people try to use to get into Heaven, but never works. If you don’t have the ONLY ticket, then all of your good works are useless. The Bible calls them filthy rags.
By the end of the service, I was really doubting whether or not I was truly born again into God’s family. The Holy Spirit was convicting me of my sin, and showing me that I was not saved. (Saved is a Biblical term referring to the forgiveness of sins by God and the rescue of a person from the power and penalty of that sin. This is God’s requirement for everlasting life and being saved is another way of saying a person has been born again.) My sin had separated me from Him. The Lord further spoke through our youth leader, who stated, “If you know you are lost, and the Lord is speaking to you, it is a wonderful privilege, and you should not ignore Him.” My tears began to flow as I thought about my eternal soul, but I did not want to deal with it yet.
That night we had a Singspiration time after the service where all the campers gathered to sing and give testimony of what God was doing in their lives. I didn’t sing, I couldn’t sing. My mind was still on the message of God’s Word that I had heard. A fellow camper gave a testimony and said, “If you are lost, and God is convicting you of your sin, don’t leave the room, or you might never get it settled.” I really wanted to talk to someone about my inward struggle, but I was too scared.
Before I went to bed that night, I asked God to show me if I was saved or not. I was tired of the confusion of not knowing for sure. The next morning, all the girls in my cabin got together for a time of devotions. A counselor at the camp said something that I will remember the rest of my life. I felt as if she was looking right at me while she spoke. She said that a lot of people believe in their head that God will save them, but they have never believed in their heart. Therefore, they are not saved. They know the facts about salvation, but they have never believed on Jesus Christ as their PERSONAL Savior.
Romans 10:9-10 states, “That if thou shalt confess with thy mouth the Lord Jesus and shalt believe in thine heart that God hath raised Him from the dead, thou shalt be saved. For with the heart man believeth unto righteousness, and with the mouth confession is made unto salvation.” I realized that my heart was deceiving me, as the Bible says in Jeremiah 17:9, “For the heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked; who can know it?”
It was not enough to have just a head knowledge about Christ, but I had to have a heart knowledge to have true salvation. It clicked... Suddenly it was very clear to me. I knew everything in my head. I knew all the facts about Jesus coming to this earth and dying on the cross for my sin. I could even quote verses about salvation, and tell a person how to receive the gift of eternal life. But I had never really believed it with all my heart. I knew then that I was not born again into God’s family.
During breakfast that morning, I couldn’t eat. I was shaking all over, because of the conviction of my sin. I knew that, if I died that day, I would spend eternity in Hell–the punishment I rightly deserved as the penalty for my sin. Romans 6:23 says, “For the wages of sin is death; but the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord.”
After breakfast, I sat down in the meeting room, buried my head in my hands, and let the tears flow. My conviction was too much to bear. The state of my soul overwhelmed me. My counselor sat down next to me, took my hand, and asked if I wanted to talk. I told her that I did not have peace about my salvation. In fact, I knew that I was not saved, that I was not right with the God who died to save me. She explained to me that if I wanted to be saved, I had to want Jesus with all my heart. In fact, I had to want Him more than anything and everything else in this world. She said the best thing for me to do was to be alone with the Lord. She then handed me her Bible, the Word of God, and left me alone.
The battle grew even harder when it was just me and God. The One who knew me inside and out was beseeching me to come to Him, to know the peace and reason for living that only He can give through salvation in Jesus Christ. As I was thinking, I began to flip through the Bible. The Lord led my eye to a tiny verse squeezed into the little book of Ephesians, chapter four, and verse five, “One Lord, One Faith, One Baptism”.I asked myself, “Do I really have faith in God? Will Jesus even save me?” I knew that the only thing I could do was trust God. I didn’t want to wait any longer.
That morning, January 22, 2000, at 10:30 AM, I found Jesus Christ faithful! I asked Him to save me, and He did! I told the Lord that I wanted Him more than anything. I thanked Him for dying on the cross for ME, for taking MY punishment. I realized that my sins were keeping me from a relationship with God, but that Jesus had died and rose again so that I might be made right with Him! I asked the Lord to take my sins away from me as far as the east is from the west, as He says He will do in His Word. I asked the Lord Jesus Christ to reign in my heart and take control. Right then, I felt a peace that I had never had before. I was so excited that I stopped crying and started to laugh!
I now know 100% that I am God’s child, and on my way to Heaven when I die. Not because of anything I have done, but because of what my Savior did for me on the Cross of Calvary, and how He rose from the grave, proving that He alone is the way to Heaven. The Bible tells me in First John chapter 5 and verse 13 that it is possible for me to KNOW I am going to heaven when I die: “These things are written that ye may KNOW that ye have eternal life...”
Good works just aren’t enough. Head knowledge is not enough. You must know and believe in your heart. If God could save a sinner like me, then He can do the same for you. You may have a head knowledge, but do you have a heart knowledge? What will YOU do with Jesus?