Only God would save a phony like me
My name is Bob Pierfy, and this is my story.
I was 27 years old in 1980 when I really began to search for God. My wife and I certainly had a great life. We were living at the Jersey Shore. She worked in Atlantic City, and I worked in Ocean City. Things were good - but something was missing. We began to feel that we needed to go to church - or at least get somewhat more godly.
At this time in my life I was playing a lot of top-level organized softball - about 100 games a season. A friend on one of these teams asked me to play on another team, but this time it was a church softball team at the Ocean City Baptist Church. After a few games, I had to attend a team meeting at the church. After the meeting, I spent about four hours with the pastor. I asked many questions about God, Jesus, and salvation. He asked me if I wanted to receive Christ as my personal Savior. I did accept the "fact" that night that Jesus was Savior. My life changed. A few days later, my wife made the same commitment. The church people made a big deal about our "salvation." I was a new creature in Christ - at least that is what I thought my prayer of belief brought about.
After a few years of spiritual struggles, I thought we should leave Ocean City to move back to the Easton, Pennsylvani, area to better serve the Lord. I loved Ocean City, and very shortly after the move, I began to develop bitter feelings toward God.
Over the next several years we bounced around from church to church looking for the "right" church. By 1994, my wife and I had been to many "fundamental" churches. The strange thing is, none of them really followed the Bible. They certainly said they did, but, in reality, they had watered down or compromised most sound Biblical doctrines.
Out of frustration, I called a friend, who I had not seen for several years, to see where he was attending church. He said he was going to a Baptist church in Emmaus, Pa . The next day, Sunday, we drove 27 miles to Lehigh Valley Baptist Church in Emmaus, Pa.. The church was friendly and open, with sound preaching from the Bible. After a few months, our whole family did a four-session Bible study. As a result of that study, my daughter and wife were saved. (Note: "salvation", "saved" and "born again" are Biblical terms referring to the forgiveness of sins by God and the rescue of a person from the power and penalty of that sin. This is God's requirement for everlasting life.) I felt pressure that I would be odd man out and made another profession, not knowing for sure whether I was saved in 1980 or not. I felt that getting baptized might solidify it. A week later I got baptized. A great story, you might say. Well, not exactly.
It was not very long after that, that I again began to struggle spiritually. I strongly felt that it must be because I was not doing enough of God's work. I became even more involved in church. I attended every service, went on visitation, taught Sunday School, sang in the choir, and even preached. But, something was not right. Outwardly, I did a decent job of portraying a credible Christian walk, but everything I did was an inward struggle.. In June of 1996, I was nominated and elected a deacon. Inwardly, my life got worse and worse, but no one knew I was striving continually with God.
In January, 1997, the pastor began a series on "Walking With God." I thought maybe this is what would make things better. I again revolted internally. I began to despise the words I was reading. I became angry, even to the point of bitterness. I began not only to doubt my salvation, but actually questioned the validity of the whole Bible.I felt I had made two professions of faith. Surely, one of them included "real" salvation.
Several messages were preached relating to examining yourself before the Lord. They were powerful messages, in that several people got saved through them. Some of these newly saved people were people who I thought - as did many others - were "good" Christians already.
Throughout these new situations, I became more and more restless. I began not only to doubt my salvation, but actually questioned the validity of the whole Bible. I felt I had made two professions of faith. Surely one of them included "real" salvation. I could even rationalize away all these "old" Christians becoming "born again." I felt they were just being brainwashed. I was still struggling - and becoming a bother to people around me. I certainly was not being a very good witness for Christ.
Three significant things happened. First, the pastor preached a message entitled, "How Can it Be." It broke my heart. I knew I was a sinner and "probably" not saved. Within an hour after the service, however, I believed I was all right with God. I thought I must be already saved, and was just under some demonic oppression from opening myself up to satanic things through students that I had counseled.
The week following that message, I did try to seek the Lord. Every day, at lunch time, I went to a local park to get alone with God. I would repent, and ask to be saved if I was not saved. But, a few minutes later, I would again be angry at God.
I actually came to three conclusions, based on my 1980 profession and subsequent struggles. Either, I was saved and God did not work in my life; or, there was no God and it was all a charade; or, just maybe, I was lost. But, how could I be lost if I made a profession to follow Christ? I was a church counselor, a Sunday school teacher, and even a deacon.
Then on Sunday, February 27, a second thing that caught my attention: a church member, Tim Anger, shared a testimony of his recent salvation. The statements that he uttered were as if he had written down my thoughts. I was absolutely shocked. Virtually every thought and contention that I had with the Lord, Tim had put into words - "my words." I "knew" that I was lost. When Tim talked about Judas Iscariot, as being the greatest phony in history, I was stunned. I had often, over the past years, called myself a Judas. Interestingly enough, though, I did not refer to myself as Judas because of not being saved - but rather more like a traitor. It began to come to mind that I, too, was a phony. I could "play" Christian - but I did not "live" Christian. Judas was so close to Heaven he could almost smell it - but, he did not respond. Now, I found myself in the same situation.
The third occurrence was the message that immediately followed Tim's testimony. It was preached by the assistant pastor, and entitled, "A Heartbeat From Hell." The vivid picture he painted of Hell broke my defense down, and I envisioned myself in Hell, looking up. I had been a fool. I had tried to be a Christian my way, not God's way. I, for the first time, saw myself in Hell. After the service, I went to the altar and wept. I knew I was different. I knew I was lost, and, if I died, I would be in Hell. I needed to be saved.
I would like to say, that is the end of the story, but it is not. The following week I tried to be alone with God - and to "really" get saved this time. After Wednesday night's service, I talked with Tim Anger, and another deacon, about their recent salvation experiences. The next day, Thursday, was pretty good. But, within a short period of time, things changed. I received two e-mail messages. One, from Tim Anger, said he loved me and was praying for me. The word "love" bothered me. The second e-mail message, from the other member I had talked to, said that he, too, was praying for me - and, also, that maybe I should not teach Sunday School until my issues were settled. These two e-mail messages made me very angry.
I went into a negative tail spin. By Friday morning, I was mad at God, my wife, the Bible, and anything else which crossed my path. My wife and I had some difficult words, and I stormed out of the house to have a wonderful day at work. On this day, I was done searching and refused to take my Bible to work. My wife called later, and said we should go out tonight alone, and talk. That night we went to a diner. I told her that it was over. I said I could not follow God.- That I had no more energy. "I have been trying to follow Christ for 17 years, and look where it has gotten me!" I stormed.
On Saturday, I had to take a Bible Institute final exam. My wife suggested that I stay up there and get things settled. At first I said, "You do not understand, it is over, there is nothing left in me. I do not want to be saved by a God who changes things every 17 years or so." After a while, I did concede to at least take the exam, and to read over some information on repentance.
I got to the church around 6 p.m. I completed the final exam by 7. I was going to sit in the church auditorium for an hour, and then leave. I heard the sound of a vacuum cleaner, as people were cleaning the church for Sunday service. "Well, now," I thought, "I'm just going home." However, as I walked out of the church, there was a tape on the ushers' table left there for me by Tim Anger. The tape was a message by Paul Schwanke, an evangelist who visited our church often.. The title of the message was, "The Phony." I picked it up without thinking about it. But, I did feel a little urge to find a classroom somewhere to be alone with the Lord - to either get saved or ream Him out. In some ways, I did not really care which. Well, I could not settle on a room, and wound up in the kitchen. That was uncomfortable, so I went into one more room. I turned the light on and sat down at the teacher's desk. Right in the middle of the desk, was a cassette tape player. I still did not think about it, but, then I saw the Anger's family picture. I realized I was "by coincidence" in Tim Anger's room and, "by coincidence," had a tape player and a taped message. So, I listened to the tape, asking God that it would lead me to the truth.
Pastor Schwanke's message was about Judas Iscariot, the phony. He stressed Second Peter, chapter 2, verses 20-22 which say: For if after they have escaped the pollutions of the world through the knowledge of the Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, they are again entangled therein, and overcome, the latter end is worse with them than the beginning. For it had been better for them not to have known the way of righteousness, than, after they have known it, to turn from the holy commandment delivered unto them. But it is happened unto them according to the true proverb, The dog is turned to his own vomit again; and the sow that was washed to her wallowing in the mire.
As the dog returns to his own vomit, so also the truth will eventually be known. He explained how Judas knew Jesus -and followed Jesus. Judas was a leader. He prophesied, and performed miracles. He looked like a great Christian on the outside, but was a devil on the inside. As Christ's ministry came under more persecution and stresses, many disciples left Jesus, but not Judas. He was faithful - but he was a phony. He was a classic hypocrite. As I listened to the tape, I was broken. I knew I was lost - and I wanted desperately to be saved. The next hour was an unbelievable struggle. I would say all sorts of prayers and statements to get saved - but the conflict raged on. I made a list of my status, how I saw myself. I was a sinner. I had worked at a salvation based on my own righteousness. I had many facts about Jesus Christ - but little or no faith. I really did not trust God, nor the Bible. I was holding on to something - but I did not know what. Then the Lord brought several things to my attention. I made another list of sins in my life and confessed them. There were sins of pride, covetousness, anger - and, a hardened heart. I rushed to confess all of my sins - but, I knew, in my heart of hearts, that I had to repent first.
In Luke, chapter 13, verse 3, the Bible says: I tell you, Nay: but, except ye repent, ye shall all likewise perish. I had repented, maybe 200 times, in the past. But, it was "my" repentance, not Biblical repentance. I had repented and desired to change my mind about things - but I did not. Repentance is a change of mind, and attitude, and heart, toward God. Repentance is also action. I was willing to say "I repent," but no action had followed. To repent, I had to not only change my mind and view things as God does, but also totally submit my will and life to Him. With previous attempts at salvation I had always stated that I would - but I did not follow it up with action.
The Lord impressed upon me that not only did I have to repent of my old former ways, and confess my sins before Him, but I had to let go of some things. I had to let go of my life. My positions. My wife. Many times I would say, "Lord, you can have it all," but I would always have the thought streak through my mind that I had worked too hard to get to be a Sunday School teacher, or a deacon, and did not want God to take it from me. I also had the thought that, "I will totally serve you God, just do not take my wife." In the Bible, God clearly tells us not to have "anything" at all before Him: First John, chapter 2, verses 15 and 16 Love not the world, neither the things that are in the world. If any man love the world, the love of the Father is not in him. For all that is in the world, the lust of the flesh, and the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life, is not of the Father, but is of the world.
Once again, I found myself in the midst of a battle. I was doing and saying everything I could in order to be saved. I got so frustrated from confusion that I closed the Bible, turned the lights off and started to drive home. As I proceeded down I-78, I was wrestling back and forth about assurance of salvation.
Then it hit me. God's word says that if you respond to God by repentance and faith in Jesus Christ, He gives you everlasting life. Everlasting life sounds like salvation to me. John, chapter 3, verse 36, says, He that believeth on the Son hath everlasting life: and he that believeth not the Son shall not see life; but the wrath of God abideth on him.
I seriously repented of my ways. Confessed my sins and let go. I gave it all to Jesus at approximately. 10:20 p.m. that Saturday night. I immediately rebuked Satan, and called on the name of Jesus Christ that I was now saved by the blood of the crucified one! I started to weep, and sing, and praise God. I just could not stop.
When I got home, I was crying - but had a smile on my face. My wife asked me cautiously, "Is anything new?" I said, "I'm saved! Jesus saved me." We both embraced and cried tears of joy. She told me then of many brothers and sisters in Christ who were praying for me. I was overwhelmed that God would be so long-suffering. I certainly did not deserve to be saved after the thoughts I had towards Him during that past month. But, praise God, He loved me enough to show me my "real" heart and save me anyway. Now, when I think of those two e-mail messages; when I think of my wife, daughter, and my brothers and sisters who prayed so earnestly for my soul - I am totally humbled.
I give all the glory to God. Only He would save a phony like me.