My wonderful life came to a crashing halt
My name is Tina Dafoe, and this is my story.
Growing up as an only child of middle class parents, I thought my life was pretty easy. They always provided for my needs, so I never felt as if I had to struggle for anything in my life. In turn, I was a pretty good kid. I always made the honor roll and never really gave my parents much grief. Well, maybe a little. When I was 15 years old, I made a profession of salvation. The Baptist Church I was attending with my mom had just changed pastors. I would attend Sunday school and help my mom with her class, mainly because I didn’t want to sit through a Sunday school lesson. One Sunday, the pastor’s wife took me aside to “talk.” She shared her salvation testimony with me and showed me some verses from the book of Romans in the Bible. She then asked me if I wanted to be saved. I said, “yes”, and bowed my head and prayed. I asked Jesus to forgive me of my sins and to come into my heart. (Note: salvation, saved and born again are Biblical terms referring to the forgiveness of sins by God and the rescue of a person from the power and penalty of that sin. This is God’s requirement for everlasting life. “Lost” is a Bible term used to describe those who have not turned to Christ as their personal Savior.)
Soon, though, the struggle started. Several years passed and I saw no fruit in my life. I had no true desire to serve God. I was just going through the motions.
After high school, I attended Bible College. I enjoyed my “new” life and “new” friends. I soon became so busy with college life, I felt as if I was starting to grow as a Christian. I figured I was just back-slidden before, and I needed some Christian friends my own age to enjoy a real Christian life. I didn’t have any friends back home who were saved. Realistically, I wasn’t growing at all. I was living a dual life – one at college and one at home. I still listened to my rock music and enjoyed going out with my unsaved friends.
During my senior year, I went forward during a Missions Conference to “rededicate my life to the Lord.” It was an emotional year for me. My class load was as much as I could handle, and a long relationship I had with a boyfriend had just come to an end. I felt low and emotionally drained. I told the Lord that I wanted to “rededicate” my life to whatever purpose He had for me.
A few months later, I met a man who would eventually become my husband. I felt as if my life was headed on the path the Lord wanted me on. But I still had no inner desire to live for Him. I struggled to read my Bible each day. In fact, I never did. I found myself confessing the same sins over and over again. I did, however, have some answers to prayer, so I was not all that concerned with the degree of my spirituality. This went on for several years. In 1991, I got married and moved to Florida so my husband could finish his last year of Bible College. Soon after graduation, we moved to Pennsylvania and joined Lehigh Valley Baptist Church. We both felt, spiritually, as if we were babies and needed to grow. We thought we could use the challenge in our lives. We soon were involved in many church ministries. One Sunday evening, I had stayed home from church due to a headache. When my husband came home, he said he had gotten saved. He realized his childhood profession had not been genuine. I now have to say, looking back, that it really didn’t excite me all that much. At the time, I acted happy. I wasn’t honest with myself and with others. I began to read my Bible a little more, because my husband was now doing that. At times, I enjoyed reading it. I always enjoyed going to church and singing hymns. I thought I was finally growing spiritually.
Our church now had a new ministry, writing out our testimony tracts. Of course, I signed up with my husband to do it. I kept putting off writing it, because I felt I was too busy to do it. When I found time to sit down and write it, I struggled once more. My testimony seemed mediocre. I could remember the day I thought I was saved like it was yesterday, but yet it didn’t seem as if it was a life-changing experience. I figured I just needed the right words to say. When I would listen to different preachers, they would put things into words that I felt I could use in my testimony. The Lord really started to let my conscience bother me about this.
In September of 1996, we had revival services at our church. Each night I felt as if I had assurance of my salvation, and I had even taken care of some things in my life. The following Sunday night, we had many people coming to get baptized. One testimony of a friend really hit home with me. She said many things that I could have said. I hung on her every word. I thought, “That’s me.” I went home that night feeling so empty and so confused. I knew God and Satan were doing battle for my soul. I think the devil was bringing things to my memory – the day I prayed; the day I rededicated my life; the many blessings in my life; the answers to my prayers; the changes I made in my life (i.e., reading my Bible, giving up rock music). Although I began reading my Bible, I really wasn’t getting anything out of it. I was just going through the motions. The Bible says in Second Corinthians, chapter 4, verses 3-4), that unbelievers would not understand: But if our gospel be hid, it is hid to them that are lost: In whom the god of this world hath blinded the minds of them which believe not… No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t get rid of the heaviness on my heart.
The next morning, I went to work as usual. I worked for a chiropractor who was a Christian and a member of our church. I was still feeling confused. I called my husband that morning to meet me for lunch. I wanted to talk some more to settle my confusion. Fortunately, the doctor’s office that morning was on the slow side. In between patients, my boss and I talked all morning. He could see I was struggling. Little did I know that he already knew that I wasn’t saved. I needed to see myself as lost as well. He asked me what I was afraid of. I said, “Nothing, but is it wrong to want my husband here?” He told me that God is more important than anyone else is. He was right. I wanted to wait until I got home before I took care of settling my salvation. In fact, not one of us has any guarantee of the future, whether it’s tomorrow or the next hour. As it says in Proverbs, chapter 27, verse 1, Boast not thyself of tomorrow; for thou knowest not what a day may bring forth. In James, chapter 4, verse 14 it says, Whereas ye know not what shall be on the morrow. For what is your life? It is even a vapour , that appeareth for a little time, and then vanisheth away. If I waited until lunch to meet my husband at home, and I was in a fatal car accident on the way, I would wake up in eternity without God. That is, eternity in Hell. I had to settle this now. The Lord tells us in Second Corinthians, chapter 6, verse 2, For he saith, I have heard thee in a time accepted, and in the day of salvation have I succoured thee: behold, now is the accepted time; behold, now is the day of salvation.
I went to a room in the back all by myself. I asked the Lord to forgive me of living a lie all those years. I repented, and asked Him to forgive me of my sins and come into my heart. Suddenly, my heaviness of heart was gone. That burden was lifted away! I immediately felt the peace that passes all understanding. It was something I never had felt before. I spent many years “doing” things that I thought were pleasing in God’s eyes. It wasn’t until I came to the end of myself, that I realized that I couldn’t do things on my own. I needed God’s help. But, just choosing God didn’t make me a Christian. I had to totally yield my heart and will to Him. I had to see myself as God sees me – a sinner. In Romans, chapter 3, verse 23, the Bible tells us, For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God;
My first “profession” had not been real, because it wasn’t a life-changing experience. Even when I desired to “get things right with God”, there was no real fruit in my life. I realized that had I truly been saved when I was 15, there wouldn’t have been a need to come back to God. I had everything changed on the outside, but not on the inside. I am still a sinner, saved by grace, but the sin does not dwell in my life as it did. That’s the difference. It’s a heart and attitude change. Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new. Second Corinthians, chapter 5, verse 17. Won’t you let Christ come in and change your life also?